It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
