She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
