My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
