He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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