You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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