So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
