someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
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He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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