I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
