Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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