I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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