I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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