Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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