I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
