hotel room ftw
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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