Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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