T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
