They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
