I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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