I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
