the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
