He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
