oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
