I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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