im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
