please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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