she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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