margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
