Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
