my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
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