Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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