i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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