I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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