"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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