Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
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I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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