I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
