Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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