I wish I could punch you in the face.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
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