I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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