It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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