The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
