Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
