i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
