Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
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an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
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I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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