shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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