If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
