You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Randomize
