I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
