my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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