A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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