Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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