8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
