where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
