im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
