I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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