Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
