dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
