Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
