Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
