either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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