Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
